{life reflections} The Human Capacity to Judge, and Incapacity to be Happy for Another

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{life reflections}

 Weekly thoughts and rambles. A glimpse into my mind and world. 

Entries that I might jot down in my Happy Diary; the release of thoughts to flow uninhibited. Reflections from the soul. 

Reflections of life.  

I hope to leave you inspired. 

If you want to share your own reflections of the week please leave a link to your "life reflections" entry in the comments for all to find and see.

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The Human Capacity to Judge, and Incapacity to be Happy for Another

Life has generally been feeling pretty amazing. It feels like the storm is finally passing and the sunshine can brightly beam its beautiful rays back down into this chaotic life. Life genuinely feels positive, optimistic, and full of new life, passion, joys, and excitement. 

But I know what some of you might be thinking… she's lying, she's making it up, she's trying to convince the world that she's happy when she's not. 

What prompts such an accusation, you might ask? Well, there have been quite the new experiences and lessons through such big changes in my life, and people's reactions and behaviours have perhaps been the most interesting, if not annoying, or disheartening, to see. 

The thing is that I did expect a certain amount of gossip, a certain amount of people's opinions to twist the story of my recent divorce around and redeliver it in a less amicable way. Things between me and my husband have been as smooth as they can be. I don't hold anything against him, and I hope he doesn't hold anything against me either. What I have found annoying is that people try to messy that. It's as if people are so afraid of change (even if it's not to do with them but simply around them) that they have to fight it any way they can, or pour fuel on the fire, or start a fire altogether. People are unable to be happy for others. People also judge others entirely too freely and unthoughtfully. This has been a huge eye-opener to a concept I was already fairly familiar with. However, it never ceases to amaze me.

The thing is that I don't want to be posting publicly about this whole divorce with my (ex)husband. I have written bits and pieces about my own perspective and lessons along the way regarding these big changes in my life--as a reflection of life, being human, and the experience of learning and growing and helping one another in the process (I am a writer, after all). But I have kept things respectfully distant as to the details of our relationship-ending; and, I do believe, with tact. This is when gossip becomes extra annoying. I have been pretty open about things that I felt a certain need or wish to, so that people may understand things and Not gossip. What people don't seem to realize is that gossip can be hurtful, it can make a mess of an amicable situation, and it can prompt unnecessary drama. On a personal level, this has prompted all sorts of feelings in me, mainly a certain bitterness towards humanity, I've come to realize. For some reason I'm having a hard time letting this go. Perhaps I'm too emotional. Perhaps I do care too much what people think. Perhaps it is just that I do want to keep this divorce as smooth and kind as possible for him and for me. Or perhaps it's just because I feel like I need to justify my actions now. 

I don't think I need to justify myself to anyone. My life is my life. But it's a difficult thing somehow to wrap our heads around. It's not fun to have our integrity challenged, especially when we do the best that we can in any given situation. I feel as if this is a topic plenty of people can relate to--just as with my last topic of having our sense of self challenged; very similar topics, I must admit. 

There is a part of me that just wanted to believe that people would keep their noses aptly where they belong. There is a part of me that hoped people would just, basically, be decent human beings. What is this human attachment to drama? What is this human need to gossip and place their own opinions wrongly into a situation they know nothing about? What is this human impulse to judge? What is this human addiction to see the most negative in someone else's situation? More importantly, what is this human mentality that makes people unable to be Happy for someone else? 

Instead of just looking at someone's situation and going, "oh, they look happy. Therefore I am happy for them," people have to look at it and go, "oh, it's a mask. What are they trying to prove to everyone? They must actually be unhappy and are just trying to hide it." 

I think it's a pretty large reflection of our society as a whole. How badly are we conditioned to be unhappy? How conditioned are we to be jealous, envious, and generally negative towards other people? Through plenty of personal experiences, and through plenty of hearing, watching, and learning about other people's experiences, I've come to learn that people generally are incapable of being happy for someone else's successes. We are not in competition with one another, and the sooner people can realize that, the sooner we will all get along. Not only that, but the sooner people can learn to actually be Happy for someone else's successes, then the more you welcome opportunities and success into your own life. 

There are happy people in the world. There are Good Things genuinely in people's lives. I have worked hard to make happiness a part of my life, to welcome good things, to experience joys, to learn, to grow, to make my life what I want it to be. So, yes, I say this with confidence: I love my life, I am Happy, I feel good about the future, and I am not just saying this to hide some inner dark corners of myself. I have learned to be a pretty open person--perhaps too open for my own good at times. I have learned to accept being human. I have learned to embrace my darkness instead of pretending it's not there. I have learned to be Happy, and I am still learning to deal with the flow of the storms that come in and out of life. But one thing you will not find me doing is being something I am not. I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. I am not trying to convince anyone that I am happy. I am not trying to convince anyone that I made the right decisions in my life. I am not trying to convince anyone that I am in love again. These are things I genuinely feel, things in my life that I have worked hard at. You don't have to be happy for me, I don't need your validation; I merely wish that you could be happy enough in your own life instead of deflecting on other people. It makes me sad to see it, and I have seen it plenty of times (people deflecting their miseries onto other people). I have watched plenty of friends and people close to me affected by this negative mentality. It's a shame. And it's silly. People need to learn to be happy for one another, support one another. People need to learn to stop assuming things about others, because unless you've walked a lifetime in someone else's shoes then you simply cannot understand, and therefore certainly cannot judge. 

I say these things not to justify myself anymore, I say these things because I feel there needs to be a major shift in the human mentality. Fortunately, I am also surrounded by so many wonderfully, incredibly enlightened and conscious people; people that strive to actually be happy and good and positive. I understand we are all just human, we are just trying, learning, struggling, and striving for better. But that positive shift is so important. When you observe another person's life, do not assume, do not judge, do not gossip. 

Life isn't rainbows and butterflies all the time for anyone, but I choose to focus more of my attention on the joys and things that excite me and make me happy, instead of complaining and dwelling on the negative. That is why the picture of my life I paint is happy and good, because that is what I strive for every day, that is what I Choose my life to Be; and that is why, for the most part, I am genuinely blissfully happy. I recommend everyone strives and works towards the same, because the potential exists in all of us. 

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{life reflections} Changes + Decisions

. . . . . . . . . . 

{life reflections}

 Weekly thoughts and rambles. A glimpse into my mind and world. 

Entries that I might jot down in my Happy Diary; the release of thoughts to flow uninhibited. Reflections from the soul. 

Reflections of life.  

I hope to leave you inspired. 

If you want to share your own reflections of the week please leave a link to your "life reflections" entry in the comments for all to find and see.

. . . . . . . . . .

Changes + Decisions

Big life changes are intimidating at the best of times. When such large changes occur it often feels as if they threaten to crumble the foundation on which we have spent so much time building a certain part of our lives. We feel the ripple all the way through other areas of our lives… disruptive, destructive, unbalanced. It's difficult to stay centred, grounded, humbly in line with the positive of our new big changes. However, just because things seem rocky on the surface doesn't mean a beautiful plan is not still at play. In fact, our worlds must often crumble so that we may rebuild new ones. This is a good thing. The threat to our balance may not make it feel so, but change is good; only our resistance to it is bad. 

Let me repeat that: Change Is Good! 

Change is especially good when it is through our own action, through following our own hearts, and through chasing our dreams. Going after what we truly desire can be positively frightful, because it does require big change, risk, and stepping out of our comfort zones. However, success is all dependent on You. If you want something, go after it; but don't go half way and then give up because it's too difficult. If you want something bad enough, it will most definitely be yours. Sometimes it may be easy, other times it may require blood and sweat and tears and a great deal of an emotional roller coaster, perseverance, and optimism to drag you out the other side. But it will be worth it, and you will be all the more proud for your efforts. 

When we can keep the end goal in sight, then the journey becomes more graceful. I'm not saying tears and frustration and sacrifice won't still be involved, but overall your feeling should be optimistic, happy, and hopeful. When we can maintain our focus this way, the struggle lessens; because we are able to see it as a challenge, a bump on our path to overcome, but something that we Know we will ultimately come out the other side from. Optimism and Positive Thinking become your best tools during these trials. 

Remember that no matter what dark hole you have been consumed by, there is still light in the world, there is still joy, there is still happiness; and they are all there waiting for you. There is always a way to climb back to the surface of any dark hole in your path. Always. Always. Such is the beauty of life.

Before Big Changes enter our lives there is, of course, the preceding (and rather daunting) Decision making-time. This period is often the hardest part, the part that requires the largest act of faith in ourselves, and the biggest leap. Such big choices and changes can make it is easy to get tangled up in the web of our incessant over-thinking minds. So what to do? First off, if you want a decision to be the Right Decision, then it is up to You to make it the right one. If you want happiness then it's up to you to find it and choose it. What I believe, and through personal experience, the Universe is bringing to us exactly what we need when we need it. The Universe has our best interests in mind when we set that positive intention. 

However, there are no simple choices or answers in life. Indecision can grind on our being for months at at time without resolve. In the end, all we can do is do our best to listen to and to trust in our Hearts, have the courage to do what we need for ourselves, and believe that the Universe has our best interest in mind. We should also always make the most of what's given to us, and manifest and believe in the most positive and beneficial outcome. Believe that everything will work out for the best; and that everything happens for a reason. Because it will, and it does! 

Every change we make should be because we are choosing to love and honour our own needs, well-being, and happiness. If you are constantly putting someone else in front of you, then you will never be happy. I believe this to be particularly true in personal relationships. I'm not saying a little sacrifice here and there can't be constructive for a relationship, but if just one of you is (or both of you are) constantly sacrificing your own needs, plans, and desires, then you are heading for a derailing. We can only sacrifice so much of ourselves and our lives before there's nothing left. We become drained, tired, resentful, frustrated, and ultimately lost as we struggle to feel in tune with our own needs and dreams. The relationship will stop being fulfilling, and then it is either destined to be miserable forever (unless of some miraculous breakthrough), or will end. It takes a great deal of honesty with yourself to see what is best for you (and all those involved). Through experience, it is one of the hardest decisions to make, because the fear of making the wrong decision is somehow more frightening than being miserable forever. 

It took me being brutally, brutally honest with myself to make my recent huge life change. It took six gruelling months of hoping, trying, and failing, and then doing it all over again. What finally broke the ice was a certain vow I made to myself. I look back at this with a little flutter in my heart towards the perfection of the Universe now that things are where they are. The vow I took was this…

I vow to be Happy. I vow to be Open and Honest with myself. I vow to find my Fire. I vow to Be Myself, Love My Self, and Respect Myself. I vow to actively participate in my own Happiness. I vow to be kind and gentle with myself. I vow to stop feeling badly or apologizing for being human, for not being okay, or for being my self. I vow to never allow someone else to take away my self-worth. I vow to get my spark back, to feel myself again, to get My Life back. 

I vow to have the courage to do what I need for myself; to be bold and take risks; to be strong and courageous. I vow to Let Go. I vow to release what no longer serves me. 

I vow to live my life for Me. I vow to live a fulfilling Life. 

I made these vows to myself at the beginning of May. What happened after was a spiral of events that led up to exactly what I had vowed that day. As soon as I made clear to myself, not only that I Wanted, but that I Deserved to Be Happy and have a great life, then things began to fall into place. It still blows my mind. The simple act of allowing ourselves to Be Worthy of Good. It will transform your life, it will supercharge you, it will draw to you what you need to make a decision and to change your life in the best possible, and most beneficial, way. 

So, my best advice if you're stuck between indecision? Trust your heart, and vow to yourself that you Deserve Good Things, Happiness, and Love. 

And how to handle the turbulence to follow any big change? Focus on the outcome, and remember that this too shall pass; you will come out the other side into a land of rainbows and butterflies. Remember to set Positive Intentions, keep your mind on your goals and desires; keep the canvas clear of negative thinking and filled with what you want your life to be.    

  

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☺ Dear Life: Am I Making the Right Choice? ☺

Dear Life, oh wonderful sweet life; you are fantabulous, fun, thrilling, and so full of surprises, but… am I making the right decision?

Have you ever wished that life had a magical "Am I Making the Right Choice?" button? 

I'm sure we all do. And I'm sure we find ourselves asking this question all too often. Why, this question would not become today's topic if it had not been for myself and best friend discussing this very matter over tea yesterday afternoon. The truth is, we all, at some point or another, wonder if what we are doing is the best thing for us. Life can be so tricky, we can feel so comfortable and secure in our current situation, and yet crave an adventure, a change, a something. Our hearts can be torn with distress over making big decisions. And in that moment of uncertainty, as your heart feels torn, wishing you could live two lives, or three lives, or four lives, or… you get the point… you wonder if what you are doing is the right choice. Is that thing, that change, you're longing for a better option? Will it lead you to personal fulfillment and happiness? Or will it unravel and not be as great as you thought? 

So, where is the "Am I making the right choice?" button?  

To answer this, I think we have to take a step back and really look into a few of the mentalities and reasons we feel pressured by this question and Why we ask this question in the first place. 

What is Happiness? 

The biggest wonder with making a decision is whether or not you will be happier after making that decision. So, what is happiness? Happiness is a state of mind, a state of being. Happiness is, ultimately, a choice. In which case, no matter what decision you make, you can Choose to be Happy. Sure, that decision to make a change may bring immediate bliss and prosperity into your life, or it may feel like a tempest storm wrecking havoc over your world. But, you know how it goes, you can choose to sulk and get wet, or you can choose to dance in the rain and enjoy the storm. Life always has a choice, and happiness is the most ultimate choice you will always get to make. Life is what you make it. So, in this case, is there such thing as a right or wrong decision?

Is there such thing as right or wrong? 

Everyone's perception is different, but, ultimately, there is absolutely no such thing as a "right" or "wrong" decision. Just like Happiness, your perspective with action and decision depend on your own attitude. People may call certain choices "mistakes", but, really, these are mere pitfalls or bumps in which we can learn valuable lessons. In that supposed "mistake", we can decide whether to not a certain decision felt beneficial and is something we want to repeat, or if it's something we never want to do again. Either way, you have learned something, discovered a new part of yourself, and walked away stronger and with deeper insight; either way, the choice was valuable. In which case: there are no mistakes. Because you get to choose what you take away from said-mistake and learn a valuable lesson, there are only lessons and experiences. 

It's better to take risks, to try new things, and to live a little than to be afraid of making the "wrong" choice. Sure, life has no "erase" button either, but at the end of each and every day you have only your mind, your happiness, and your decision to live an awesome life. Living in constant wonder is no better than playing it safe and not taking a chance. Would you rather live your life full of regrets for the things you did, or didn't do? Wouldn't you rather know? Wouldn't you rather take a chance? You only live once. And people do regret the things they don't do, over the things they did. Because, to reiterate, there can be no regrets when you decide there was no "mistake"; you will always have the choice to be happy, to smile, and to keep a fascinating and fun adventure. That choice is always yours. Life is an adventure! Choose to enjoy it!

But, is this Decision Better than my Last Situation?

The final reason we can feel so torn about decisions is because, at the end of it all, we wonder which choice is Best. Not to sound redundant now, but, going by the fact that "Attitude is Everything", and "Life is What you Make It", then the "best" situation is like asking the same question of whether or not something is right or wrong, is it not? Life truly truly is what you make it. So, whatever choice you make is the Right and the Best choice, if You choose it to be so. If you are going to make a new choice in your life, no matter how small or greatly drastic, if you want it to be the Better choice, then all you have to do is decide for yourself that it Is the better choice. Commit to that choice with all your heart, with all your love, with all your passion, and have faith that, whatever you choose, it Is the Best choice. 

So… what about that Button?

Deciding that life is whatever we make it, we can safely conclude that there is no such thing as a right or wrong decision. And if there is no right or wrong decision, no matter what you choose to do in life, You can choose it to be the right one. 

Therefore, the "am I making the right choice" button all lies with your own attitude. 

At the end of the day, You get to choose how awesome and fulfilling your life is. Things, experiences, decisions, they are all trivial parts of your life, the thing that matters the most is your Attitude: how you choose to see the world; if you choose to smile and make the most of each and every experience. This is the Only way to live life to its fullest, and this is where you will find Happiness and Bliss, and Power and Confidence over every choice you make. All the rest, all those decisions, are all up to you. You can't blame anything else around you, you can only blame yourself, so instead of blaming, choose to Thank your self; because, you are Choosing to Live a Damn Awesome Life! 

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