☺ Reflections on the New Chapter of My Life ☺

There is no denying… this lovely blog is becoming consumed by the current circumstances of my own life. I feel as if that is okay though; after all, I am a writer that shares life lessons and experiences, so why would the experiences of my own life not be shared with you all in hopes to help you reach some "ah ha" moment in your own life? Or perhaps for me to selfishly explore and discover the inner workings of my own life and then sharing such with you. Win-win then? Okay, I'll go with that.  

The truth is that the end of my marriage and this new chapter of my life is clearly absorbing most of my current time. But I also want to blog. I want to blog about my experience. So, once more, why not?

{from my recent Vancouver adventure}

Reflections on the New Chapter of My Life. 

Change can be scary. The fear of Change, worse so, will hold us back.  

Life can be quirky and unexpected. In fact, just when we think we have our entire "life plan" figured out the curveball comes a swinging to redirect us. I thought I was going to live happily ever after with my husband. I thought he was "the one". We were high school sweethearts, got married at 22, and shared a good ten years together in which most of our relationship was quite blissful, if not incredibly arduous (partly because we were so young, mostly because there was a lot of personal turbulence that directly affected each our lives, particularly mine). 

Ending any relationship isn't easy, add the word "marriage" into that and it's even more uneasy, add the words "ten years" and you ignite a personal complex. The most difficult part of the decision, however, was that I wasn't leaving my partner because he was a bad person, in fact he is an absolutely amazing person and any woman would be lucky to have him. It was why it took me a gruelling six months of tug-o-war with my own mind and heart to finally make a decision. After all, I was leaving a man I had committed myself to, a man that I had loved deeply for years, a man that treated me well and a man who was enlightened, conscious, kind, and in so many ways very much like me in our personal beliefs. There was a point in which I wondered what was wrong with me to have fallen out of love with such a man. 

Compatibility. 

Being on different paths.

Being different people and wanting different things. 

Personal traumas and troubles in which we no longer supported one another.

These were all the real reasons I think my marriage fell apart, why I fell out of love, and why I needed to move on. His soul no longer resonated with my own and our interests changed. I will say again: it's hard leaving someone who is good to you; it will make you question the deepest parts of yourself. But the mistakes we made during our time together played their weight in the ending, and so did many other factors. Falling out of love with someone is a strange feeling. But I learned to respect myself, to be honest with myself, and to listen to my heart, which were all vital in my own well-being--and things that I had a hard time accepting for a long long time. People (including ourselves) change, and there is nothing we can do about that. People end up going down different roads, developing different interests, striving for different desires, and requiring different attributes and needs from our inner selves and the partners we are with. This moves us onto different frequencies that are no longer resonating with the inner most important parts of our beings. That is when change is required, when it is time to be honest with yourself and to see the truth. None of this means the person we were with was a bad person, and it doesn't mean "it's not you, it's me", it just means that our paths are heading in different directions. Accepting this truth opened my world and allowed the guilt to ease and my decision to be made with more confidence.

My point in all this, if there is any, is that I thought I was going to live happily ever after with my husband in our dream home with a happy little pig, puppy, and our two cats, with an extravagant food garden, and a lifetime of sprinkled fairy dust on top. Life throws us curves balls. What we thought we wanted may sometimes not be what we actually want, or, even more so, what we actually need. There is a moment in life where we feel like we are going against the current; this is a good sign and feeling to listen to. If you are constantly fighting against a current, then it is probably not in your best interest to pursue. This was the case with my marriage. It felt as if I was constantly fighting against a current. This feeling was what gave me my first wake-up call: when I realized my life wasn't what I wanted it to be. I also came to see that there were things that I wanted that my current circumstance could not provide me--not because of him, but because of myself. I realized I needed change. I realized I needed a different environment in order to grow and learn new things about myself and to enrich my life again; to, basically, continue my life journey in the truest resonance to my soul. My faith in the Universe contributes to my peace of mind in all this, because I do believe it is looking out for each of us, but I also believe that we have to actively participate in our lives as well for it to be good and rich and abundant in all areas. Actively participate, listen to your heart, trust the signs, and trust that whatever decision you make can be the right decision. 

I remember wishing someone could make the decision for me. I remember looking for signs from the Universe every day. It's easy to misinterpret outward signs, the real sign was actually in my heart, I was just in complete denial of this for a long time--a time I regret. If I had listened to my heart sooner, if I had been honest with myself sooner, than perhaps this ending would have been easier. But, everything happens for a reason. Better late than never. 

As terrifying and woeful as ending my marriage has been (there is nothing in the world that has ever made my heart hurt so badly), I am also excited for the future. I had given up on love, part of me didn't believe it were possible; I mean, if my husband wasn't "the one", who else could be? Again, life can surprise you, and sometimes "the one" is actually right in front of you. Love is real. I really truly deeply believe and (dare I say) know this to be true. If we set the right intention, know that we are deserving, and remember to love ourselves, then we absolutely welcome the right person into our lives. 

Change can be scary. But change also opens us up to the world we deserve, the world we strive for, the world we are manifesting. Change is good; only our resistance to it is bad. Sometimes we just have to pull up the courage to do what we need for ourselves--and that often times requires the biggest leap of faith and making the hardest decisions. Through all this personal experience, I promise you, having the courage to listen to your heart is the most rewarding experience you will have--even if it is intimidating, even if it may seem devastating and difficult. Trust your heart. Trust that inner voice that is trying to guide you, trying to bring to you what you strive for, need, and desire. That little voice knows, because it resonates the deepest parts of your soul. So, learn to listen, and welcome goodness into your life. 

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